April 24th, 2010

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12:12 am senor cuervo and i reunite it was a hot spring night on a saturday in downtown vancouver. we were feeling bummed out because the concert we were watching was cut short. the performer had to bow out because of heat exhaustion after singing a few songs from her upcoming album. so we walked, checked out dudes, decided against clubbing-line up's too long and no indoor smoking, ended up in joe fortes for oysters and drinks. the bartender handed me a shot glass, golden liquid glistening as it met the strobe light uptop the bar. courtesy of the gentleman three seats from your left at 1000hposition, he said with a wink. our small girl talk interrrupted, i looked surreptitiously while accepting the drink, liked what i saw and turned to his direction while downing the drink, neat, of course, and acknowledged his magnanimosity by raising the now empty shot glass to him with a slight bow of the head and a smile. he raised his glass too with a melt-your-heart crooked smile in response and a pick-you-up stare which i matched. he left his group to join ours, introductions followed and let's just say i got pretty reacquainted with the cuervo as the night wore on. at three am, i was giving him directions to go to my friend's condo for coffee and wii tennis tournament to shake off the alcohol, on his bike, with the cool early morning mist embracing us as he sped through pacific boulevard.

January 12th, 2011

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01:57 am Pandora It was a snowy night. You’re huddled in your thin coat shivering as snow flakes blind your pathway. You didn’t want to admit which stung more, the snowflakes and the biting wind or the tears that kept streaming on your frozen face as you walked to nowhere? He didn’t even have the decency to tell you straight to your face. It was a text message. You almost dropped the phone after reading it- "im sorry. Its ovr. Tc. Dnt worry bout me, jst take care of u. gbye." 67 sms spaces that changed your life! And now, you’re walking aimlessly unmindful of the snowstorm. Somehow, you wanted to physically feel the coldness you’re feeling deep, deep inside. That coldness brought by this news! You’re heart’s bleeding from this emotional dagger catapulting you to the emptiness and the void and you’re out here in this blustery weather trying to physically feel the pain of rejection, no, not rejection, more damaging than that, it’s the pain brought by hopelessness.  He did genuinely love you, you’re sure of that, but he also knew of your demons. The demons that came regularly, stealthily, and like powerful storms, leave you and him, and the relationship spent and traumatized, till they come back again and again. So he’s given up on the fight against them, and in doing so, given up on you. Back to hopelessness. Man, that sure is one powerful weapon of war! It’s equivalent to nuclear arms minus the physical havoc. If you were Pandora, you’d unleash this seed of hopelessness to warring nations and people would succumb to it ending the wars quicker than some egomaniacal leader pressing the button to launch nuclear attacks!    How does one recover from this void? You mulled as you continued your Himalayan trek to death by self-exposure in this below zero weather. Your paces were slower now, and you realized you reached the busy downtown core with their bright lights and inviting trattorias. The street was not deserted, despite the inclement weather. You found yourself in front of the outdoor ice rink and there were brave souls skating, lost in their shared laughter and intimacy as they cuddled to keep warm. Your heart ached even more so, upon realizing your personal void. Funny how the snowstorm can be used as an excuse for totally dichotomous reasons- you, for your loss, and these couples, the cold weather is an excuse to express love found in each other. Hope lives for them, and you smile. Tomorrow, the rain will wash away the snow and with that your void will be re-filled… Until the damn demons return.